Saturday, November 30, 2013

In Toronto!!

I'm in Toronto for testing and I've been here for over a week now. actually, Monday will make it 2 weeks since I have not slept at home.
I don't really have the means to type a long entry since a smart phone key board is not ideal and I'm only just getting used to my Hannukah gift, an iPad mini.
There is of course, so much to write, but limited fingers.
More later.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Partial Bucket List

As you all know, I'm waiting for a bed at the transplant assessment program in TO. Things are moving along slowly and with the bed shortage they've actually given me the go-ahead to complete some tests in town. Ironic since I advocated for that months ago and they said no. What a quick turn-around. It's so that when I am transported to TO I don't have to spend a week there. They also don't have the luxury of giving me a week's worth of beds. Because I'm a curious person I asked about the particulars of travel: land or air. Will my support person be allowed to come or does she have to make her own way there and find the hospital in that crazy-packed city. The answers I wanted to hear is what I got. That is, if it's an ideal situation. First choice is to travel by chopper to TO, with my sister. Of course, if there's no room, or there are a shortage of choppers that day, it will have to be by land. I started getting very excited. I figured, if I couldn't helicopter over the Grand Canyon, I could take part of the bucket list item off: a helicopter ride. I realize Lake Ontario is not a big deal but this is all I have left, so I'll take it.
Anyway, as I researched how long the ride is and the service I would be using, my excitement whittled away. I found newspaper articles outlining recent scandal, crashes and deaths. I'm not overly confident anymore until I realize I don't have much life in me anyway. So far, getting back into my spiritually-based routine has helped my nerves. I don't feel as anxious about this and have confidence that everything will turn out as it should. No matter what that "should" will be. The reality is, everything and everyone dies. Everything in between is what counts.    

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Jam

I'm spreading myself thin these days, like jam. There is a distinct difference between spreading oneself thin in the rat race and spreading oneself thin while under "palliative care". Currently I feel that being "all over the place" is quite healing. My interests vary right now, I spend parts of my day doing different activities but am content, nourished and rejuvenated. I wish this could last forever but I also know that I'm blessed to have what I have as most people, myself included when I was IN the rat-race, didn't have time to do the things they loved and see the people they really loved. I am fortunate to love and be loved by many individuals. I also recognize who is nourishing and who isn't. Just because mutual love exists, does not mean it is holy/wholly satisfying. I don't have tolerance for gossip, talking about or hearing about others' drama-filled lives. When I spend time with people, I want to know about them, their dreams, ideas and thoughts about the depth of their soul. Those who cannot journey there are still loved, however shallow the friendship may be. It often results in painful distance but the drama when I do allow it in my life is more than I can tolerate. It's a case of the lesser of two unfortunate circumstances. I've learned the hard way that you cannot change someone else, only yourself. Rather than attempt at changing how others behave around me, I strive at keeping my environment drama-free. It is my sanctuary after all. So I choose to spend my day in creativity.

I have come to appreciate the solitary time I have at home. Though I often go through bouts of loneliness, I cannot visit with people very day. I need time to sew, to write, to read. I am reading again (my concentration is back somewhat). I am still sewing for the children in my life. I am actually craving sewing for me again - though I often feel that it's pointless. I often think "I'm not going to need it where I'm going so why bother, it's just one more thing for ma belle to have to dispose of". I will be sewing myself a few heavy-fabric winter dresses. One piece to pull on, wear long-underwear underneath and I'm good to spend a couple of hours in the kitchen after my morning readings, meditations, sewing, beading or painting time. Cooking from scratch was a chore about a month ago but now that autumn has arrived I'm rediscovering the sweet pleasures of stews, and Mexican cooking. My cuñada and my trips to Mexico have inspired me to revisit the food I love so much. Though a heart patient, I realize I was fortunate to visit Mexico, not once but twice in my lifetime. It's a beautiful place with diverse culture and amazing food. In the depths of loneliness or depression Mexican (inspired) food will bring me back to life every time.

Anyway, enough about Mexico, I am happy to have the craving to paint again!