Wednesday, September 24, 2014

cracked

I met with my surgeons in TO yesterday.
I am cracking. There is nothing left in me to give. I fought my way back to life last year. I fought so hard I'm shattering into a million pieces.
By the end of this year, I will have lost EVERYTHING in my life. In Dec. 2012, I lost the stability that my health was, the career that I loved so much, my income, my home, my spouse, and most likely my life. I've gone from Ms. positive to "I can't anymore". I am done.
I'm not implying that the meeting in TO was grim but it wasn't great either. I really don't know what or how to write about it. There are options but both lead to death. And before anyone chimes in with "yes but all of our paths lead to death",  just stop. I know it, I've counselled on it and now I'm the one facing it. In fact I've been facing it square in the face, refusing to die for some time now. There is only so much a human being has in them.
Even Superman died.
No, I'm not comparing myself to superman but I think I did a pretty good job of averting death the past 21 months.
It can only last for so long.