Monday, December 15, 2014

Moving in wild directions

I still don't have my official surgery date. I do have 2 tentative dates: either end of January or first week of February. I'm frustrated that it's taking this long. Two months ago I wanted to put it off as long as I could, to spend time with loved ones and squeeze what's left out of life. Now I want to get this done. If I die, I die. If I don't, I need to get on with healing.

I am quickly approaching my 2 year off work anniversary. I'm having a hard time keeping busy now. December seems to be a challenging month. For three years in a row I was in the ER. Perhaps it's the impact of the temperature change on my lungs. I don't know. Even in 2011 I was in the ER on Ma belle's birthday. Then 2012 is when I went asistole. Even in 2013 after my pulmonary stent I was still back in the ER. I had a CT scan to check that the stent was still in place. It's 2014 and I intend of keeping out of the ER. Perhaps the only hard part about this Dec. will be the waiting.

Hope has kept me going but it too is starting to fizzle. Sort of. I actually have more hope now that I will be healthy (eventually) after surgery. I (cyber)-met a few people who've had the same surgeon I am going to have. He has completed longer surgeries on them (one lasted 14 hours) so I'm feeling better about his competency. I still have fear of course. I'm only human. For those who've witnessed my journey the past 2 years, I want to remind you: I am only human. I receive so many compliments and words of support from folks who think I am "so strong". Thanks. Yes, I know I am, but wouldn't you be if this is what you have to live? Or would you give up?

Some days I do not know where I get the strength. Correction, early on ma belle gave me so much strength. I could not have lived without her. Literally. I am ever so grateful for her love, help and support over the past year and half. Then she burned out, which is totally expected for any super-human being. Now though, living here has become so hard. As I write, she is out with her. Facing each day just playing the waiting game is now a challenge. My private life is mine alone, but my reality is that I didn't know what hard was until now. I'm living in fear, which is opposite of living in faith. I know that and pray for faith (hope) but I also need to recognize that I am a human being going through some crazy shit: my heart will stop beating for hours. Hours. I will not have a heartbeat, as wonky as it has been, for hours! I know people undergo bypass everyday. Not for the stretches I will be under and out and 'dead'. Ten to twelve hour surgery is not a cake walk nor should it be something to look forward to. But it is.

It annoys me how many people don't realize that they "have it so easy". I hear people in meetings complain about how hard the holidays are and not being able to go home. Though I have compassion for them, I wish I had those issues and only those issues. This month I celebrate 7 years in recovery. One of my groups already "celebrated me" as they will be 'closed' over the holidays. Not only was my anniversary recognized, but a few of the women got together and bought me a hospital gift (a throw for my hospital bed). I cried. It was so sweet of them; in their card I found the saying written "you are loved". Perfect since I've been feeling a bit dejected lately. I know I'm not. It's just hard to go through this transition on a normal day, let alone when you're "sick".