Sunday, November 15, 2015

2 years ago

I hope this feeling never goes away - I do hope to manage it better.
It's the feeling of being overwhelmed with gratitude, marvel, disbelief and miracles. If "miracles" can even be an affect (it's not, but it does create great effect).
There are moment when I stop and breathe deeply into the knowledge that I am alive.  Being November, I think back to 2013, "the palliative year" and how I was approaching the end of my expectancy. It's also the month I patiently waited for a bed in Toronto, for the pre-heart lung transplant assessment. That month my body went through so many tests. At pone point in the testing I reached a bitter-sweet moment: my body was very strong and healthy, aside from what was going on (lungs, heart). I was told I had strong bones, strong liver and kidneys and good overall organ health (again, minus the organs in question).

Back to that feeling: two years later, I'm hearing. I'm doing what I did 3 years ago (weird that, a "360" as I mentioned in my last post).

I want to write about the past 2.75 years. Work keeps me so busy. I love parts of it and hate other parts. I hate the pitiful pay as I know I can make so much more now. I am slowly looking into private practice but am not ready to venture out on my own, nor do I have the business skills to properly sustain a lucrative professional business. It will get there, it's just not here now. I'm so glad I lived as if there was hope last year. It's when I submitted my portfolio to the newly (at the time) forming college I now belong to. That was the smartest move I made regarding my professional life.

Regarding my whole life: I keep shaking my head in awe. I am still here. I lived through a palliative diagnosis to see the other side. I lived through open-heart reconstructive surgery. Appreciation for the skillful team I have is... such a lousy sentence for the life they gave me!