Friday, January 23, 2015

upcoming surgery

The clock is ticking.... the countdown is on. I'm itching to get sawed open (who would ever say this, I don't know).
Under the light and energy of the next full moon I will be cut open, my heart being repaired. Finally.
I recall a time when I used to count how many full moons ma belle and I enjoyed together. We stopped counting. A lot of things stopped. I still look up at the moon, noticing her phases. For different reasons now.

Fear and excitement are just two sides of the same coin called anxiety. Same energy, different manifestations. I have moved from fear to excitement. And sometimes back.

I'm looking forward to getting of oxygen.
Let's get this done!

Friday, January 9, 2015

I have a date...

...and I don't mean in the romantic sense.
In less than a month we'll know whether I survived or not. I cannot believe how fast time is flying. A few weeks ago I felt like it get here fast enough, feeling relatively prepared with lists and questions etc.. Now I feel a bit rushed. I haven't finished doing all my cooking and freeing - so that I have something to eat when I get back in late March/April? I still don't even have my new Power of Attorney forms signed. Out of everything, those are essential!
I have found car storage but haven't yet written a legal rental agreement. My car has had problems lately. I shouldn't complain as I'm privileged to own a car outright and am well enough to drive. However, ever since I moved away from Honda I've had nothing but problems. I will never do that again.
I've also been busy with the college of psychotherapists. Though my application went in months ago, they are only now reviewing it (they have several thousand in this lovely province of ours) and though I though I attached ever record known to my career, I was still missing some things. Having to go back through that it annoying at best.
In the weeks that remain I am finding a stillness I haven't experienced in a long time. It's almost an acceptance or serenity. I recall early on that acceptance doesn't mean liking something, just accepting what is. I fought long and hard about that. I found it necessary to like something and if I didn't "who would I be in it/accept it". The older I get the more I realize there are situations and people that just are. I have no control over the outcome of this surgery. I cannot change if I die. I can prepare, stay strong, healthy, positive, but I cannot "make it be". I am doing everything within my power and letting go of the rest. I've realized that there's not too much in my power beyond exercise, eating write, prayer, meditation, keeping active, getting my booster shots (vaccines for you crazy anti-vaxxers!!), and generally being positive. That means there are less and less toxic people in my life. That's jus the way I like it. I found I'm more hopeful, more at peace. Sure I still can't change some of the things I don't like about my current living situation but none of those toxic people could influence that - in fact, having them in my life only made things worse: gave me the illusion of control.

For now I'm taking care of the "little things" regarding my surgery and comfort. I've designed a little "how to give comfort to (me)" while in ICU. It includes play-lists when I'm feeling anxious, aromatherapy to facilitate deep breaths, advocating for me, etc. etc.