Sunday, January 3, 2016

Happy 2013! um, I mean 2016!

It's a new year... but it still hasn't even been a year since my reparative surgery. I'm flabbergasted daily by how my life has changed. The other day I was lifting a chair above my head at work, thinking to myself how I couldn't even do that 6 months ago. I am moved, awed and mesmerized by science, healing, our bodies and the entire process. I hope to never lose that feeling. I'm sure it will dissipate but surely I hope to continue to experience it weekly at least.
I think it's this lack awe for life and the magnitude of all the small miracles that happen to each of us that make up our day to day lives that makes people become entitled, complainers, and all round negative in their attitudes and appreciation (or lack thereof) for life.

On New Year's Eve I walked a labyrinth, something I used to do but couldn't while I was deathly ill. It was nice to return to who I am. It was also really nice to be walking the labyrinth in the church in which my first home group was located. (The church tore down it's common areas, sold the land off to a condo developer and kept a common room - I suppose in exchange, and that's where the labyrinth was located. Though my old home group has not moved back.)

It was a moving night: walking, thinking about every other time I've walked a labyrinth, and there have been many. Many indeed: from here to overseas on the original "Chartres" layout (in France). Over the evening I thought about how I thought life unfolds, goals, ways of being and kinda giggled at how none of it and all of it has come to fruition. I say all and none because the course of my life has been changed so much that none of the thoughts or desires I once had are there now. No one, least of all me, could have predicted such a wrench thrown into the way. I mean, yes I knew I was a congenital patient, and yes I knew that my time was limited but there isn't a "knowing" until it's experienced fully. And then turned back on itself. Who could have predicted I'd be on the other side of palliative, still writing, still talking, still walking and working and reading and knowing and living and loving - from a source so much deeper than thoughts and ideas but from the depth of the well of life. What stirs up in me cannot be described by words. The awe and understanding I have experienced and lived these past three years cannot be described in words, only a soul's quivering that blurts out excitement from time to time.

After my morning meeting yesterday I went to lunch with a member I don't really know. (That's the thing about recovery; there's a false sense of knowing because you journey with these people but you don't really know them). I met this person maybe 4 or 5 years ago and always loved what she had to say. She didn't talk often as she is so shy and quiet. I thought for a long time she didn't have time for me nor was I liked by her. (I'm learning a lot about my own assumptions this past year). She said something so moving that it brought tears to my eyes (she was teary-eyed herself when she said it). She told me that during the span of time when I was in the day long surgery, she prayed for me (as many folk did because there was a call-out for prayers and thoughts and energy etc on FB) she felt much closer to me despite not knowing me.

And I to her
and to all who were supporting me
spiritually, emotional, physically or even financially.

In the end, we CAN all be close to each other. It only takes those positive loving thoughts (metta) towards one another to feel that close. And therein lies the secret to harmony.

Walking that labyrinth on the eve of a new year, putting and end to 3 years, moving forward with an open heart.

Time is not linear. We all know that but don't really stop to experience it.
On New Years' Eve day at work a client asked me about my evening plans and I responded casually but privately adding how I'm looking forward to welcoming in 2013. Then I stopped, giggled a little, shook my head and smiled at him as he looked at me with questioning brows. Some clients know what happened, some don't. I have no shame and don't hide it but I am careful not to break my College's ethics regarding making it all about "me".
If dear reader you don't get the giggle, it's because it's *almost* as if 2013 (and beyond) never happened. After all, I wasn't out in the world and if the mark of living is living among the living, I wasn't part of it.

In waking up, I do not put pressure on myself for "losing" 2.75 years; I gained a lifetime of wisdom and connection.
My cup runneth over now.

Wishing you all a beautiful 2016 - love everyone, and I mean everyone.